My stress management coping mechanisms include carbohydrates, fermented grapes and deferral - not necessarily in that order. What commonly happens is I focus on productivity and moving forward. I selectively take the stuff I don't want to feel or don't want to take time to feel and stuff it in a drawer. Until the drawer can't shut anymore because its groaning contents won't be denied their freedom.
My stress management plan is not all that effective.
Thursday night, my drawer fell off the rails and I had a good 'ol ugly cry. One of those sessions with uncontrollable sobbing, murmuring nonsensical words and fat, beefy tears. I don't know what set it off, but I found myself in my husband's arms crying and after failing to stop, I stopped trying.
What was in my drawer? Who knows. Disappoinment, frustration, longing, anxiety, self-consciousness, self-hatred. Loneliness, fear, negativity. Fear of being misunderstood. Unworthiness. Over-extension. The pain of living in a world where people can be so cruel to each other and who don't listen. The realization that I'm one of those people, no matter how hard I try.
We all have drawers. And they're chock-full of that kind of crap.
Dr. Brene Brown has written a lot about vulnerability and our attempts to achieve strength by refusing to feel pain. She assesses that we can't selectively numb pain. We can't take all of the aforementioned garbage and declare, "I don't want to feel these things - I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin."
Because when we do that, the drawer eventually pops open. But we also miss out on something else.
If we numb pain, we numb joy. If we refuse to process negativity, we miss out on the positives. By giving in to self-doubt, we close ourselves off to others who value us.
Something beautiful happened during my ugly cry. During a break in the action when I went to retrieve a box of tissues, my 16 year-old daughter came upstairs. She put her arms around me and said, "Mom - I don't know what's going on, but I'm praying for you. God loves you - and so do I."
Vulnerability leaves our emotions spread out there in the open for the taking, but it also opens the door to emphathy and grace.
Yesterday, I felt emotionally like I had been through a hard, physical workout. I was sore and I was tired, but I felt stronger.
My first inclination was to not tell anyone about my ugly cry, but I found myself admitting to a close friend what had gone down the night before. She was beautifully supportive.
Life throws us curve balls sometimes, and maybe instead of stuffing them away, it's more productive to sit and hold them for a while. Allow ourselves the discomfort of dealing with stuff that's uncomfortable. Be vulnerable with others so they can give us the gift of understanding and empathy.
My drawer is empty, but I have no doubt it will have contents sometime soon. But I'm going to work on keeping it open - just a crack - to allow room for the joy to get in.
Something beautiful happened during my ugly cry. During a break in the action when I went to retrieve a box of tissues, my 16 year-old daughter came upstairs. She put her arms around me and said, "Mom - I don't know what's going on, but I'm praying for you. God loves you - and so do I."
Vulnerability leaves our emotions spread out there in the open for the taking, but it also opens the door to emphathy and grace.
Yesterday, I felt emotionally like I had been through a hard, physical workout. I was sore and I was tired, but I felt stronger.
My first inclination was to not tell anyone about my ugly cry, but I found myself admitting to a close friend what had gone down the night before. She was beautifully supportive.
Life throws us curve balls sometimes, and maybe instead of stuffing them away, it's more productive to sit and hold them for a while. Allow ourselves the discomfort of dealing with stuff that's uncomfortable. Be vulnerable with others so they can give us the gift of understanding and empathy.
My drawer is empty, but I have no doubt it will have contents sometime soon. But I'm going to work on keeping it open - just a crack - to allow room for the joy to get in.
my dearest KT, this rings so true for me as well… Ignore and stuff away all the "yuckiness", until it overflows and overcomes – turning me into a hot mess.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you referred to Brene Brown in this post. Her work on vulnerability, shame, and connection is full of truths. But figuring out how to apply those truths to real life is so challenging! I find vulnerability a lot easier to talk about than to practice. In my opinion, for things to really change there has to be a shift in 2 areas. Not only do we all have to be willing to be more vulnerable, to share our authentic flawed selves on a regular basis (hence avoiding the build-up), but we also have to be willing to accept others vulnerability. Quiet our judgements. Shed our concepts of “normalcy” and “perfection” and instead celebrate each other’s messy ugly/beautiful lives. All of that is easier said than done, but I keep striving.
Thank you for sharing yourself through this post. I am so glad to have you as a friend!
You're so right, Karn - vulnerability, and the emphathy that comes with it, is a two-way street. We need to be open to giving and receiving, and not so much focus on "fixing" and solutions, but to sit with the people we care about in their mess. Grateful for you, friend. xo
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