The talk

A friend of mine asked me if I would ever write a blog post about talking to my kids about sex.

We get a lot of mileage out of the stories of our first attempts, which were awkward to say the least. They really warrant their own post, but the short version of the funnier one is Sean asked us a sex question when he was about 8 years old and we immediately launched into “OK, everyone – we’ve drilled for this” mode, then lost our senses completely and turned into blathering idiots. Pat went straight to nuts and bolts and I, seeing whether that was going, pulled back and attempted to provide context. Unfortunately, when I'm nervous, I overdo context. After a 12-minute run-on sentence, we took a breath and asked Sean if he had any questions. He looked at us deadpan and said, “Yeah – can I get an allowance?”

“Absolutely” was our unanimous and immediate reply.

The discussions, like so many of them, are hard, but necessary. I wish I could point you to an instruction manual or formula that works for everyone. There are all sorts of really horrible articles* out there on how to talk to your kids about the “birds and the bees” (seriously, does anyone actually call it that anymore?) Our parents approached telling us from opposite ends of the spectrum. Pat’s parents sent him to the barn and told him to pay attention. My mom (a biology major) went the academic route with one of her college textbooks while my dad hid in another part of the house. Incidentally, I didn’t actually figure out what she was saying until I asked her what the “f” word meant one day on the way home from church – which is probably one of the reasons I majored in communications. I'm a visual learner.

Getting back to the blog request, I knew my friend was asking me to post about the serious discussions we’ve had. It's not because we're experts by any means. But we made a conscious decision many years ago to be open about difficult topics and be clear that nothing is off limits. Both of us have witnessed shame and fear related to sex and sexuality, resulting in a lot of poor and unfortunate choices. We didn't want our kids to bear that burden. As a result, we have had many spirited conversations and arguments about sex, but we have also had plenty of talks punctuated by eye rolls and mortified expressions. Thankfully, our kids seem to be pretty well grounded, in no small part due to the multiple adults and loving couples who have influenced their lives. We have been tremendously fortunate to know many couples to whom we can point and say, "that's what a loving relationship based on respect looks like." That thing about raising kids taking a village is absolute truth.

So, here are the key concepts (in no particular order).

• Sexuality is a gift from God. Like all the other gifts from God, we’re entrusted to be good stewards of it.
• We’re sexual beings and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sex isn’t something to be ashamed or afraid of. You can’t help how you feel. If you have questions, ask them. If we don’t have the answers, we’ll help you find them.
• Sex feels good. But sex can cause hurt in ways that are really hard to heal, so make sure you’re prepared for that, because when stuff is feeling good, you tend to forget that part.
• Much in the way you make conscious choices about the food you eat, you need to make conscious choices about what to do with your body and with whom to do it. 
• Sex with a partner isn’t about you. You heard that right. It’s not about you getting off. It’s more about your partner than it is about you and what you’re expressing, through the act of sex, to that partner. Once you get that, sex makes a lot more sense and you will be far better at it.
• Oral sex is sex, by practice if not by definition. It’s not something you should do just because it won’t make you or someone else pregnant. It’s a very intimate thing, so don’t pretend it’s not the real deal. It is.
• Young people who are gay go through the same stuff you’re going through, but a lot of times it’s worse because they’re wrestling with a whole different set of challenges. If a friend talks to you about being gay, listen and encourage them to seek adult support if they need it.
• Texting, sexting, Facebook and Twitter: If you wouldn’t want an image or a message seen by us, our pastor, your grandparents, your coaches or a future employer, you shouldn’t post it, take a picture of it or share it. End of story.
• You will love someone enough to want to have sex. It will happen before you’re married. You may wonder if you’re ready, or you may feel entirely ready. If you get to that point with someone you love, come and talk with us. Let us help you make sure you and your partner are protected from things like STDs and pregnancy. And if you’re too embarrassed to come and talk with us about it, you’re not ready.

I’d like to hear what others are saying to their kids. Despite being assaulted by sexual images, lyrics and innuendo every minute of every day, it's not a comfortable discussion. But I believe it's high time we started talking about it. How many of us have said, "if I'd have known, I would have done it differently"? 

Let's help our kids know. It takes a village.

*There are a few really great articles out there as well, but you have to know where to find them. Here is a great video from educator Al Vernacchio (who, unlike me, actually is an expert on all of this), as well as a feature on his sex education program from the New York Times Magazine. Worth the time.