It takes a village ... and a little compassion

I had a conversation with a woman the other day whose son has been going through evaluations to determine an Asperger diagnosis. She grew upset, and became teary, as she described the journey – not with her son’s diagnosis, but with the thoughtless comments she has received from friends and family about how she should be parenting her son differently.

Her son is five, and is brilliant and creative. But like all kids on the autism spectrum, he has feelings he doesn’t understand that result in behaviors he has not yet learned to control. What broke my heart is when his mom told me, “He says, ‘I wish I didn’t have this brain. I wish I didn’t act this way.’”

We all have witnessed kids being little buttheads while their parents stand by and let them get away with it. We smugly say to ourselves that we would do it differently – that kids need discipline – that it’s our role to make them be responsible adults, and that sometimes involves hard decisions and being their parent, not their friend.

All true.

But friends, I’m here to tell you that as big a fan I am of the discipline card, I’m not in any position to judge another person’s parenting. The fact of the matter is, none of us are.

That kid acting up while the parents stand by – maybe they’re dealing with something else and their kid’s behavior just isn’t a hill to die on right now. 

And the woman with the Asperger child – there is absolutely no way to discipline those behaviors out of a kid. Think of what she goes through on a daily basis to get her son dressed, fed and to school, and then manage his distress when he doesn’t get along with the other kids. She told me, “every day, it’s something – so I’ve learned to prioritize the things I get upset about, because otherwise, I’d be upset all the time.”

This is a courageous parent, people. The last thing she needs is a “friend” telling her that she needs to put him in time-outs more often.

What I have learned as a parent has grown more out of the mistakes I have made with my kids than the good things that I did parenting my kids. I continue to make mistakes, and I still think my kids are turning out pretty well – mostly because I have a lot of great friends and family who are great role models for them. It’s a fabulous safety net – one that I rely on every single day. I’m open to other people disciplining my kids, and I feel all of us should be.

I don’t know if we’re driven by fear of the uncertain or what the deal is, but it seems like every space I enter – politics, business, media, religion, and yes, even parenting – everyone wants to make things black and white. And that’s hard to do, because the world, for the most part, is pretty gray. No amount of judging is going to change that - it's just going to help us make each other miserable in an attempt to feel superior.

It seems the most pragmatic thing to do is seek to understand each other and support each other.  I have learned a little compassion goes a long way in helping other parents do their job better. 

In the end, we never will truly know what journey others are experiencing or how difficult it is for them.

But we can take their hand and walk with them for a little while.