Tuesday, November 28, 2017

The party's over, but the journey continues

With a feeling I can only describe as surreal, Pat and I celebrate our 25th anniversary today.

It just doesn't seem like it was that long ago. It was a gorgeous fall day during Thanksgiving weekend. Our nearest and dearest gathered for a ceremony and party that had been over a year in the making. Prayers were said and glasses were raised. "Celebration", "Beer Barrel Polka" (I'm from Wisconsin), and "Chicken Dance" ensued. The next day, we loaded the 1989 Buick I had inherited from my parents with our wedding gifts and headed back to Iowa to start our lives together. 

That's when things got harder. 

People describe the "let-down" that happens after a big event you have been planning for and looking forward to. The week after our wedding can only be described as such - and I don't feel bad about admitting it, because Pat will tell you the same thing. The fact of the matter is, once the toasts are made, the flowers fade and the veil is put away, at the end of the day, you've committed to making a life together - for better or for worse.

Oddly, it's the "for worse" occasions that I've been thinking about as I consider our 25th year. Not because life hasn't been rich and blessed and wonderful being married to Pat. It has. We are both pretty independent people, but I don't think either of us could imagine life without the other, and I think that's one of the things that makes us great together. We complement each other in the important ways: Stuff like our personalities, our faith, the way we parent, and what we like to order for take-out.

But it's the times that we haven't complemented each other that I've learned the most about myself and what it takes to keep a relationship going - even when things are pretty crappy and you just want to chuck the whole thing. 

The "for worse" part of "for better or for worse" doesn't get nearly enough play.

We have wallpapered together. We have been through 28 football seasons. We have been through the "Why can't you ever remember it's garbage day?" and the "Why do you need another purse?" arguments. We have grilled using charcoal. We have assembled IKEA furniture. We have untangled miles of Christmas lights.

We have weathered job changes, debt and income stressors. We have fought through our son having childhood cancer. We have both been through crippling bouts of depression and anxiety. We have been through the aftermath of a friend taking his own life and other friends and family ending, or coming close to ending, their marriages. We have worked to support family and friends through illness, both seen and unseen. We have fought about family issues. We have negotiated family and parent responsibilities and struggled (mainly me) to relinquish control. We have lost grandparents and Pat's dad. We have changed, grown and shaped how we view things.

We have grown apart as a couple many times and have somehow managed to find our way back to one another. 

After 25 years, second only to our kids, these journeys back to each other are what make me the most proud.

Marriage isn't a party. It's a journey that brings both rock-filled valleys and amazing vistas. It's a willlingness to wake up every day and say, "I'm going to keep going" - even on those days when everything in your being is telling you that you're going in the wrong direction and you will never get there no matter how hard you try.

I have had conversations with friends who are horrified to find themselves wandering in the "for worse" part. And they have been reassured when I tell them it's common, it's normal and it's not that surprising. No one has a perfect marriage. Trying to negotiate any kind of space between two people is far more difficult than managing space on your own.

But the times you succeed - the times when it hits you that you've learned something about yourself and this person you've tethered yourself to, and that you're both better people because of it - those are the times that make it worth the effort.

The party's over, but the journey continues. It's a wonderful life, and I'm grateful.

Thank you, Love. Happy Anniversary.





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