Quicksand

In May, I wrote this piece after a young man who was kind, generous and full of promise took his own life. I wrote it as a way to process the loss. We have seen too much of this happen in our community. More than I really want to think about.

I have had several people say they appreciated the piece because it helped them articulate what so many people who struggle with depression or who are helping loved ones who are dealing with depression have trouble saying. That was the point in writing it, so if that's what people got out of it, I'm glad.

I'm posting it again because I had a conversation this morning with a young person who is beautiful and vibrant and full of hope, and, true to her nature, she wants to know what to do to help people who are struggling.

For her - for all of us, really - being gentle with each other is the easiest place to start. 

We all have recurring dreams that we hate having. One of mine is that I step across the lawn and find myself in quicksand. I almost free myself, but then I start sinking. I writhe and twist and claw and kick, but the harder I try, the more sand continues to engulf me. Soon it fills my eyes and my mouth and I continue to swim as I watch the blue sky above me slowly filling. I then thankfully – mercifully – wake up.

I have dealt with depression and the experience is not unlike the dream I described. I frequently talk with people who have a loved one or a friend dealing with depression and they say stuff like, “He/she is smart – don’t they get that the thoughts they have aren’t real?” They aren’t trying to be mean – they just don’t understand. And until you really go through depression, you don’t get that depression is a lot like the quicksand in my dream. You struggle and you try and you want to get out. You keep an eye on that blue sky and keep hoping it will stay in sight. Medication, counseling and conversations with friends give you some headway with the clawing and the kicking. Sometimes, you can fake your way through it. But it’s work. Unfortunately, it doesn’t end as neatly as simply waking up. And people who need help frequently find that it’s not available or what is available to them is woefully inadequate.

We all have empathy for people dealing with an illness like cancer. We support the treatment process because we know it’s hard. We see an end in sight and work to keep the afflicted person’s eye on the prize.

Depression – and issues like it – addiction, eating disorders, cutting, anxiety, and others - is different. It takes a long time and there are good days and not-so-good days and really horrible days. It makes even the most patient and supportive person throw their hands up and say, “God, why can’t he/she just snap out of it?!”

I say all of this because I know there are so many people out there dealing with demons. There is a saying about being kind to everyone you encounter because you don’t know what issues they are carrying around with them. It’s easy to write people off and be judgmental, but truly, we can’t know what they’re dealing with on a daily basis. There are so many hurdles to jump and mountains to climb to fix what’s wrong with the systems that could help people dealing with depression and other issues. But the easiest, cheapest thing we can do is to be kind, empathetic and open to listening.

And for those dealing with depression or other issues like it, there are people out there who understand what the quicksand is like. You may feel some days that closing your eyes so the sand will stop flowing is easier than trying to claw your way out. To you, my message is this:

• We live in a world of instant gratification. You may seriously look at ways to end the pain you’re going through, but know this– the ending you’re considering is permanent in a way you can’t comprehend.
• There is help out there. Seek it. You’re worth it.
• There is hope. Believe it – even when you feel like you can’t.
• There is a way out. It’s not easy and it will exhaust you. But keep working on finding it. Because even though we are flawed and will disappoint you, we love you. And a future without you is unimaginable.